My biggest regret

The biggest regret I have, during my PhD period and probably the rest of my life, was not able to be with my grandma when she passed away. She didn't tell me or anybody else in the family about how ill she was, and when we found out it was already too late.

I was planning to go back for that spring festival but decided not to in the end because it was too risky--that was soon after 9.11 after all. I still can not believe how calm her voice sounded when she told me "It is OK if you don't come back", because she had obviously known by that time it was "now or never".

All was because she loved me and wanted what was the best for me. It was from her that I leaned to love means to let it go but not to process. She tried to convince me not to come to the States many times but I got her blessings when she realized I had made up my mind.

(She didn't want me to come to because it would be difficult for anybody to go to a place on the other side of the Earth alone. Also she was still haunted by the memory when my two uncles were sent to remote areas at the age of 15 by Chairman Mao.)

I grew up with her and she was the person who loved me most in the world. If there is such a thing called unconditional love, that must be hers to me. I was so perfect in her eyes and even now I feel guilty for not living up to her standard.

I could not go to sleep without wine when she was struggling on the margin of life. I had trouble in getting up the next morning because I could not face the reality of losing her. For a very long time after she passed away, I had the same nightmare coming back again and again, where she was angry and scolded me, "How come you were not here when I needed you most?! "

Because they told me it was useless; every day might be her last day and she didn't recognize anybody anyway. Still she hung in there for almost three months--was she waiting for me? The last sound she made was a long sighing--was she disappointed in me??

It took me a very long time to understand I was the one who got disappointed in myself. For almost eight months after her passed-away it was too painful to tell. I still remember that day when I finally shared the story with a friend who lost her from loved one. Afterwards I walked home in a chilly November night but the sky was decorated with stars. I sensed she was up there looking at me, smiling and waving as she always did.

It turned out that day was her birthday!!!

In my 32-year-old life I was closest to God that night. Not the God in Christianity, but the God in love and forgiveness. From that point on I started to find peace within myself...

The 2nd page of my dissertation reads, "This dissertation is dedicated to my grandmother, who could hardly read, but taught me the meaning of love and dedication."